Knowing Happiness
by mags1587
Summary: Buffy figures out what she wants... or rather, who she wants. BX


"Knowing Happiness"

by Maggie C. 

Disclaimer: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and all the characters in this story do not belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story's mine.

Author's Notes: Much thanks to my betas. This is set during Season 5, but I'm playing with the timeline so it doesn't exactly match. Joyce is dead, but Riley hasn't left yet. Spike isn't obsessed with Buffy (for reasons that will become clear) and Xander and Anya are no longer together. I think that's all the background you need. Enjoy!  


---------------

The sign on the Magic Box door said 'Closed', even though the shop was supposed to be open for two more hours. The shoppers didn't think it was at all strange. In fact, they were used to it. That store was always closing early. The people walking by took no notice of the yelling going on inside, either. They were used to that, too.

"My God, how could you be so careless?" Giles yelled, glaring at Willow and Tara. "Do you realize what you've done?"

Tara stared at the floor, unable to meet Giles's angry gaze. Willow, who was a little more used to being on the receiving end of Giles's lectures, couldn't meet his eyes either. "We just wanted to help Buffy," Willow said. 

"Oh, yes, you've been a big help," he said. "She's God-knows-where, under a dangerous spell, and she won't be back until she gets what she wants!"

"We just thought the spell would help her figure out what she wanted," Willow said. "We didn't know it had a trap in it to make her obsessed with what she wanted."

"You should have known," he snapped. "I expected better from you, Willow. I expected better from both of you."

"We have to find her," Dawn said. 

Giles sighed, closing his eyes briefly. "We will, Dawn." He looked at Willow and Tara. "Did she give any indication as to where she was going?"

Tara and Willow shook their heads. "She just said she knew what she wanted," Tara said softly.

"Well, what could that be?" he asked. 

Before anyone could voice any ideas, Riley arrived with Spike and Anya. 

"What are they doing here?" Willow asked, glaring at Riley. 

Riley frowned. "You said something was wrong with Buffy. I ran into them and I thought they'd be able to help."

Spike had his arm around Anya, and he grinned. "Yep, you know us, always willing to lend a hand. Even if it interrupts the romantic evening I had planned with my girl."

"Sorry, Spike, Xander's not here," Willow snapped. "You can't torment him right now."

"Who said anything about tormenting Droopy?" Spike asked, an innocent expression on his face.

"Cut the crap, Spike," she said. "Ever since Anya dumped Xander for you, you've been throwing it in his face every chance you get."

He smirked. "Not my fault if Droopy can't handle seeing her with a real man."

Anya stepped in before Willow decided to stake him. "Spike, stop it, okay?" She looked at Giles. "Do you want our help or not?"

"No," Willow snapped.

"Willow," Giles said sternly.

"What's wrong with Buffy?" Riley asked. 

Giles sighed. "She's under a spell."

"Well, that's easy enough. Who cast it?" Spike asked. "We'll find 'em and make them reverse it."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple," he said, looking at Willow and Tara.

Willow hesitated a moment, but then explained. "We did a spell with Buffy to help her figure out what she wanted."

Anya stared at them and understanding dawned on her face. "You cast the Chciet spell? Oh my God, how stupid are you?"

"We didn't know," Willow protested. 

"What exactly does this spell do?" Riley asked. 

"It was just suppose to reveal a person's hidden feelings," Tara said. "To make what they wanted more clear. B-but there was more to the spell than we thought."

Giles picked up the explanation. "The spell was created by a demon. It will reveal what a person most desires, but the demon put a hidden trap in it. The person will be totally focused on getting what they want and will ignore everything else until they get it."

"You'd better hope she wants something she can get," Anya said. "Otherwise she'll go crazy trying to get it. And it's not the nice, harmless kind of crazy; it's more the 'kill everyone in her path' kind of crazy. I've seen it happen."

"Wait, why would she even do the spell in the first place?" Riley asked. 

"Why do you think?" Willow asked, giving him a look. 

He shook his head. "So we have a little fight and she resorts to magic? Whatever happened to working things out the normal way?"

"A little fight?" Willow snapped. "You call giving her an ultimatum a little fight? You told her she had to figure out what she wanted or you'd leave! God, Riley, you know what kind of year she's having, and you had to pull that on her."

"This is not helping," Giles said. "Now, what could Buffy want?"

"Glory dead?" Spike suggested. 

"It usually focuses on something more personal," Anya said. 

"What about... mom?" Dawn asked softly. 

They all fell silent and looked at each other. "I don't think so," Giles finally said. "I know Buffy misses her terribly, but I think she's accepted her death, for the most part."

Dawn nodded. "Good. That's good." Tara put an arm around her and hugged her gently. 

"That still leaves us wondering what she wants," Riley said, folding his arms across his chest. "And since I haven't seen her, I'm going to assume it's not me."

"Uh-oh," Willow said, getting a worried expression on her face. She looked at Giles. "You don't think she'd go to LA, do you?"

Giles shook his head. "God, I hope not," he said.

"Maybe we should warn him?" Willow suggested. "Just in case?"

"I'll try Xander again first. Maybe he can think of something." Spike snorted in derision, but Giles ignored him and went to the phone. 

This time, Xander answered the phone. "Hello?" 

"Xander, good." Giles was relieved. "We have a problem."

"Giles! You've got to believe me, I didn't do it!"

He frowned in confusion. "What?" 

"I swear I didn't! I haven't gone near any spells at all-"

"Xander, what are you-"

He just kept talking. "Especially not any love spells, I swear!"

"Xander!" he said sharply. Xander stopped. "What in heaven's name are you talking about?" Giles paused as his brain processed Xander's ramblings. "Wait. Did you say love spell?" He got curious looks from the rest of the people in the shop. 

"Yes, but I didn't do it!"

"Xander, is Buffy there?"

"Yes."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "And she wants... what, exactly?"

"What do you think?" he exclaimed. "I swear I didn't do it!"

"Xander, calm down, I know you didn't."

"Giles, what the hell is going on?" he demanded.

"Well, it's a spell."

"No kidding! Who the hell cast it?"

Willow came up to him. "Giles, we need to explain this to him in person," she whispered. "If we just tell him over the phone, he won't believe us and he might do something wrong. Which would really not be a good thing right now."

He frowned, but saw she was right. "Uh... can you bring Buffy to the Magic Box? It's rather... complicated."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Good. I'll explain everything when you arrive."

"Giles-"

"We'll see you soon," Giles said, hanging up on him.

"What was that all about?" Riley asked, his face stony. Giles shared a glance with Willow and then looked at him.

"Buffy went to Xander's apartment," Giles said. 

"She wants him?" Riley asked. 

He nodded slowly. "It appears so."

"Oh, come on," Spike said. "Even the Slayer's got better taste than Droopy."

"Spike, shut up!" Dawn said, glaring at him. "Xander's a great guy and they've been friends for years. Why shouldn't she want him?"

"Right," Riley said darkly. Dawn realized what she had said and grew contrite. "You know what? I can't be here right now. I'm going to patrol." He left the shop, slamming the door on his way out. 

Giles looked at Spike. "Spike, go with him."

"I will not," he protested.

Anya sighed. "Spike, just go with him, please?" 

Spike looked at her for a second and then shook his head. "Fine. I'll go make sure soldier-boy doesn't get himself killed."

Once he had left, Tara spoke up. "So... so this is a good thing, right?"

"It's a very good thing," Giles said, looking at Tara and Willow sharply. "You two are incredibly lucky."

"We know," Willow said. 

"Wow," Dawn said. "I can't believe she wants him."

"I can't believe he didn't just jump her the minute she showed the slightest interest," Anya grumbled. Everyone in the room, even Tara, glared at her. "What? Oh, stop it. You all know he's still in love with her."

"Anya, I swear!" Willow yelled. "You are such-"

"Willow," Tara said, putting a hand on her arm. Willow looked at her and Tara shook her head. Willow sighed and let it go. 

"Well, I think it's cool," Dawn said. "You know, aside from the whole Riley thing, which sorta sucks, but, them together is cool." She looked around hopefully, but no one seemed inclined to agree with her. "It's about time she noticed him. Although, it figures it took a spell to do it. I swear, Buffy can be *so* clueless sometimes." Dawn shrugged. "But, you know, now, she'll be with Xander, and it'll be good."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Dawn," Giles said. 

"Yeah," Willow said. "We still have to explain this whole thing to Xander. Which should be, um... interesting."

It wasn't long before Buffy and Xander entered the Magic Box, Buffy holding onto Xander's hand. "Okay, what is going on?" Xander demanded.

"Yeah, you guys sorta interrupted something," Buffy said, her meaning quite clear. "So, if you could just tell me what I need to kill, Xander and I could get back to that."

"Uh, yes," Giles said. He shook his head. "Xander, could I... speak to you, over here?" he said, pointing to the other end of the room. 

Buffy didn't look at all happy with that, so Willow approached them. "Just for a second," she said. "We just have to, uh, explain something to him." 

"Just for a second?" Buffy asked.

"I promise," Willow said, ignoring Xander's questioning looks. "You'll have him back soon." 

"Fine." Buffy reluctantly let Xander go and he went across the room with Willow and Giles. Buffy gave Anya a measuring look, and then she turned to Dawn and Tara. "So what's going on?" she asked. 

"Uh..." Dawn said. "Nothing?"

Buffy glared at her sister. "You brought me and Xander down here for nothing?"

"No," Tara said quickly. "It's not nothing, it-it's something. There's a s-spell."

"What kind of a spell?" Buffy asked.

"The kind that shouldn't have been cast," Anya said, giving Tara a look.

Buffy frowned, confused. "What are you-"

"Are you two completely out of your minds?" Xander yelled. Everyone stopped and looked at him. 

"Xander, if you'll just listen," Giles said. 

"No!" he said. "You can't expect me to do that to her! It's a spell, so we'll find a way to reverse it." 

"What's going on?" Buffy asked.

"Xander-" Giles tried to warn him, but Xander ignored him.

"You're under a spell, Buffy," Xander said. "That's why you're acting so strange."

"How am I acting strange?" she asked.

"Does the whole wanting me thing ring a bell?"

She shook her head. "That's not a spell. Xander, I want to be with you." 

"No, Buffy, it's a spell," Xander said. "You remember a little incident with a raincoat? It's sort of similar to that. You don't really want me; it's just the spell making you act that way."

Willow shook her head. "Xander, that's not how the spell works, it-"

"There's no spell!" Buffy exclaimed, cutting Willow off. "I just realized - finally - that I want you!"

"You don't want me."

"Yes, I do!"

Xander stood firm. "It's a spell and we'll figure out how to reverse it."

Buffy stamped her foot in frustration. "Damn it, it is not a spell! I, Buffy Anne Summers, want *you*, Alexander Lavelle Harris! Why is that so hard to believe?" Xander just shook his head. "God, that's your problem, isn't it? You can't believe I want you. I thought you were just nervous before or maybe you didn't really want me, but then you said you did - I'm sure you didn't mean to, but you said it, and-"

"You said you wanted her?" Anya broke in, looking at Xander. "Ha! I knew you were still in love with her!"

Xander groaned. "Oh, God."

Buffy spun around and glared at Anya. "Shut up! You're such an idiot," she said. "He was in love with you, only you, and you gave that up! You dumped him for Spike. Spike! You picked an evil vampire over Xander! God, I didn't think even you were that stupid!"

"Hey! You picked a vampire over him, too!"

"That was different!" she yelled. "Angel wasn't evil, and now that I think about it, I probably should have picked Xander over Angel! God knows it would have saved me a lot of grief!" 

"Stop it!" Xander interrupted. "Just stop it. Buffy, we'll figure out how to reverse the spell and then you'll be back to normal."

"It is not a spell!" Buffy yelled. She stalked over to him. "What the hell is it going to take to convince you?"

"Buffy-"

"No! Damn it, why shouldn't I want you? You have always been there for me, even when I've really hurt you or pissed you off. You've saved my life like, what, 3, 4, times, now?" She put a hand on his chest. "I finally get it, Xander. It took me long enough, but I finally get that you're a great guy and I want to be with you." Xander shook his head and started to turn away. Buffy grabbed his arm and spun him back around, glaring at him. "Do not walk away from me!"

"Buffy!" Willow interrupted, stepping up to them. "Let me talk to Xander alone for a minute, okay?" For a minute, Willow was afraid Buffy would refuse, but then she let go of Xander's arm. 

"Fine," she snapped. "Maybe you can talk some sense into him."

"I'll do my best," Willow said. She cast a worried glance at Giles, and then led Xander into the back room. She closed the door and leaned back on it. "Well," she said, giving Xander a slight smile. "I suppose first we should have told you that if she doesn't get what she wants she goes a little crazy, huh?"

"Is that what that was?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," Willow said. Xander shook his head and sat down on the bench. Willow sat down next to him. "Listen, Xander-"

"I can't do this, Will," he said. "I really, really can't."

"Xander, listen to me," she said in a steady voice. "This spell... it's so, so complex. I screwed up, big time. I didn't research the spell enough before we cast it." She took a deep breath. "There's no reversal spell, Xander." He shook his head. "Xander, there's not. Even if there were, we couldn't risk it. Too much could go wrong."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "Please don't be telling me this."

"Xander, the only way to end the spell is for Buffy to get what she wants. And she wants you."

"She can't." 

Willow gave him a stern look. "Xander. Nothing went wrong with the spell. It worked, and she does want you. Do you know how lucky we are that what she wanted most was you, and not something impossible like Brad Pitt or not being the Slayer anymore? I mean, Giles was worried sick up until he called you and we figured out that she wanted you. He was relieved that she wanted something we could give her, and he was happy that she wanted you, because he knows you'd never do anything to hurt her."

"Willow..."

"Xander, what's wrong? If you don't feel that way about Buffy, all you have to do is pretend for a little while."

"That's not it." He looked at her almost desperately. "I couldn't take it, Willow. I couldn't take having her and then her saying it was just some mistake. I just... I couldn't."

Willow stared at him for a moment, realization dawning. "Xander, are you in love with her?"

He closed his eyes. "If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said no, but now... God, it would suck if Anya was right, wouldn't it? Then she'd actually be right in leaving me for Spike."

"Okay, first of all, Anya is an idiot," Willow said, a stern expression on her face. "Everyone thinks so. Even Giles. You really loved her, Xander. You weren't thinking of Buffy as anything more than a friend while you were with Anya." She put a hand on his arm. "Sooner or later, Anya's going to realize that and she's going to regret leaving you." He gave her a grateful look. 

"Now, about Buffy," Willow said. Xander grimaced. "The spell didn't go wrong, Xander. She really does want you. I can't tell you what's going to happen, though. No one can. Love's a risk, it always is. I think you should take the chance, though. You and Buffy would be really good together."

"I don't know," he said softly.

"Xander, the bottom line is that we need to reverse the spell. The only way to do that is for her to get what she wants, and that's you. I know you, Xander. You'd do anything to help Buffy."

He was quiet for a minute, and then he sighed. "Yeah. I would."

"Good," she said. She stood up and held out her hand to him. "Come on. Buffy needs you." 

He sighed and took it, letting her help him to his feet. "I don't know if I can do this."

She smiled at him. "You can." They started for the door and Willow's smile turned into a smirk. Time to lighten the mood. "After all, according to Anya, you're quite good at having sex with women." Xander's jaw dropped and he stopped in his tracks. She pretended not to notice. "Although, if you need some pointers I suppose I could help you out..."

"Willow!" he exclaimed. 

She looked at him innocently. "Yes?"

He stared at her for a moment and then shook his head. "You know what? Never mind. I think I'm just going to forget you ever said that."

"You sure?"

"I'm positive," he said. They went back into the main room, and Buffy rushed over as soon as they cleared the door. Willow gave Xander an encouraging look and then moved away to give them some privacy.

"Xander, I am so sorry," Buffy said. 

"It's okay, Buffy."

"No, it's not," she said. "I'm sorry if I went a little nuts, but it just hit me all at once, how much I want you, how much I need you." She looked at him with worried eyes. "I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you."

Xander smiled at her and cupped her cheek. "That will never happen, Buffy."

She started to look hopeful. "Yeah?"

He nodded. "I will always be there for you. No matter what." He stroked her cheek with his thumb, just enjoying being able to touch her like this. He figured he might as well enjoy this while he could, since he was sure it wouldn't last. 

She tilted her head into his caress. "Xander... does this mean...?"

He nodded. "Yeah. You just took me by surprise. So... uh, if the offer's still open, I think I'll take you up on it."

"Of course it's still open!" she said brightly, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. "Oh, you won't regret this, Xander, I promise." Buffy smiled at him and then reached up and stroked his cheek. "This is going to be great." He just smiled at her, trying to mask his pain and fear. She leaned up and brought her lips to meet his. He closed his eyes and got lost in the gentle kiss. 

Suddenly, Buffy collapsed in his arms and he just barely kept her from falling to the floor. "Oh, God, Buffy," he said. She was conscious, but woozy, so he led her to a chair and sat her down. The others gathered around them. "Are you okay?" he asked. 

She nodded, rubbing her forehead. "Giles?"

"Yes, Buffy?"

"You're gonna give me a big lecture, aren't you?"

Giles smiled. "It will be huge."

Xander leaned against the table, worrying over Buffy's reaction to everything, now that she wasn't under the spell. Then she looked up at him and smiled. "Xander, I..." she trailed off, shaking her head. She got up and hugged him. Still a little afraid, he hugged her back. "You're the best," she said softly. "And I still want to be with you." He grinned, then, the last traces of fear leaving him. 

"Okay, I have a question," Dawn said. Buffy pulled away from Xander and turned to look at her sister. "How come the spell wore off? They haven't had sex yet."

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed. 

"Well, you haven't," she said. 

Giles suppressed a smile at the looks on Buffy and Xander's faces. "Well, uh, it appears that, uh... physical relations with Xander weren't what Buffy most desired."

"Huh?" Dawn said. 

"Sex with Xander wasn't what Buffy wanted most," Willow translated.

"Thank you," Giles said dryly.

"You're welcome," Willow said. 

Anya looked at Buffy in confusion. "You don't want sex with Xander? Why not?"

"Yeah, why not?" Dawn echoed.

Xander closed his eyes. "Oh, God."

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed. 

"What?" Dawn put on an innocent face. "I'm just saying."

Buffy glared at her. "I so need to send you to a convent."

"It's not that Buffy doesn't want sex with Xander," Willow said.

"Oh, God," Buffy said softly, burying her face in her hands. 

Willow grinned. "It's just what she wanted most was a relationship with Xander. Not sex. Well, not only sex."

"Oh," Dawn said. 

"That's very non-shallow of you," Anya said. Buffy glared at her. "It's a compliment!"

"It really is," Willow said. Buffy gave her a look. "Well, it is."

"Okay!" Buffy said. "If we're all done discussing my love life..." Everyone, obediently, stayed silent. "Good." She looked at Xander. "I need to find Riley and talk to him. Can we talk later?" 

Just that quickly, Xander was worried again. He had completely forgotten about Riley. Even if they were having problems, she wouldn't dump her boyfriend just like that, not for him... still, he nodded. "Sure."

"Riley went patrolling," Willow said. "He, uh, was sorta upset."

Buffy winced. "Then he knows?"

"Yeah," Willow said. "He was here when Giles called Xander."

"Did he say anything?"

"Not much," Willow said. "He just left. Spike went with him."

"I'd better go find him." Buffy looked at Xander. "I... um, I guess I'll come by your place, later?"

"Yeah, that's fine," he said. 

"Good," she said.

"We'll take Dawn home," Tara offered.

"Thanks," Buffy said. She smiled at Xander, a little hesitantly. "I'll see you later, then."

His smile was just as hesitant. "Right. Later."

********

She stood outside his apartment door for five minutes without being able to scrounge up the courage to knock on the door. Logically, she knew this shouldn't be hard. She wanted to be with Xander, and from what she could tell earlier, Xander wanted to be with her, too. So, this conversation should be much easier than the one she had just had with Riley. She was still terrified.

Finally, she knocked on the door. It took Xander a minute to answer - almost as if he was as scared as she was. That thought made her feel a little better. 

He opened the door. "Uh, hey," he said. 

"Hey," she said. She walked in and they faced each other nervously. 

"So, um, did you talk to Riley?" he asked. Xander was fidgeting - he was definitely as scared as she was. 

"Yeah. He wasn't too happy, but..." she shrugged. "Um, anyway, he's going to take the Army up on their offer."

Xander's fidgeting stopped and he looked at Buffy with a surprised expression on his face. "He's leaving?"

"Well, yeah, there's nothing for him to stay for now, since we broke up and all..."

"You broke up?"

She suddenly realized that he had expected her to reject him, and go back to Riley. "Xander, I told you before, I want to give us a chance."

He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, I know, it's just... this is really weird. Even for us."

"I know." She took a deep breath. "And, that's why I'll understand if you don't... want to do this." She forced herself to meet his gaze. 

"Huh? No," he said quickly. "I mean, yes, I want to... try this," he said, stumbling over his words. "I just can't quite believe this is happening, yet, and I don't want to screw this up."

She smiled a little. "I know, me neither. And, if we do manage to screw this up, I can't lose you as a friend. I just can't."

"Yeah," he said. "I can't either. So, I guess we just make sure that doesn't happen."

"Yeah. So, I guess we just... take it slow," she said. 

He smiled. "Sounds like a plan." He reached out and stroked her cheekbone. She smiled at the tender gesture. "Um... so, does taking it slow mean that I can, uh, kiss you?"

"I think that would be okay," Buffy said. "Especially since, if you don't kiss me, I'll have to hurt you."

He chuckled and took a step closer to her. "Are you going to threaten me every time you want to kiss me?"

"Depends." Buffy took a step towards him and tilted her head up to grin at him. "Are threats the only way I'm going to get you to kiss me?"

Xander snorted. "Hardly." He brought his other hand up to cup her face and then leaned down to kiss her. 

The kiss was just as gentle and sweet as their first one, although it lasted a little longer, and it felt even better - probably because she wasn't under a spell and Xander actually believed that she wanted him now. When it finally ended, Xander drew her into his arms. Buffy closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulder. Xander holding her was officially her new favorite thing in the world. God, it felt so good, having his arms wrapped around her, holding her securely... He brought his hand up and he started stroking her hair. She sighed in contentment. She decided then and there that she was going to *make* this work, because there was no way she was giving this up. 

A sudden fear filled her as she realized how hard it would be to make it work. "This won't be easy, you know," she said, not moving out of his arms.

"I know," he said. He was making no move to let her go. She was grateful for that; she didn't think she could get through this any other way.

"Especially now," she said. "I can't focus on us right now. There's just so much stuff. With Mom, and Glory..."

"I understand. That stuff comes first right now, it has to. I'll help you however I can."

She held him tighter. "I know. But even after this stuff, it won't be easy. I have issues. Lots of them."

Xander snorted lightly. "I've been your friend for four years, Buffy. I know your issues. Besides, I have more than a few issues myself. For instance, I can promise you that I'll be completely irrational about anything involving Angel, Spike, or vampires in general."

Buffy smiled. "I have a tendency to push people away."

"No kidding," he said. She could hear the smile in his voice and feel it when he kissed the top of her head. "Let me ask you something. How often has that tactic worked with me?"

Her smile grew wider. "Good point," she said. "I can be bossy sometimes." 

"I make stupid jokes," Xander countered.

"I'm overprotective."

"I'm stubborn."

"Me too," she said. "So, I guess we'll still be fighting as much as ever."

"Probably more," he said. "But the making up should be much, much better now."

She giggled, muffling the sound into his shoulder. 

He pulled away from her, then. She was about to tell him off for pulling away when he cupped her cheek and tilted her head up so their eyes met. He smiled at her. "This can work, Buffy. We can really make this work."

Her smile was so wide it was hurting her face. "I know," she said. 

He leaned down and kissed her again. This kiss could not be described as sweet and gentle. Fierce, hot, passionate... those were some of the words that described this kiss. They pulled away after a minute, both of them breathless.

Buffy closed her eyes and struggled to regulate her breathing. Xander's kisses were rapidly gaining ground in the race for her favorite thing in the world. A few more kisses like that and they would overtake being held in his arms. She wondered what else he could do that would make it onto her list of favorite things, and her thoughts rapidly turned to ones of a much more carnal nature. Swallowing hard, she stepped away from him. He looked at her curiously. "I'd better go," she said.

"Why?" he asked. 

She smiled wryly. "Because if I stay here any longer I'm going to have to drag you into the bedroom and have my way with you."

His eyes twinkled with amusement. "Would that be a bad thing?"

"Slow," she reminded him.

He sighed. "Right. Slow." He smiled. "So, do you want to do something tomorrow night?" She hesitated. She wanted to say yes, but she the thought of leaving Dawn to go out and have fun made her feel guilty. It was still so soon after their mother's death... "I could pick up some food and bring it over," he said. "That way you won't have to cook." 

She smiled. Trust Xander to know what she was thinking. "Make it Chinese and throw in a movie, and you've got a deal."

He grinned back at her. "Six o'clock good?"

"Perfect," she said. 

"Okay. Then I will see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." He walked her to the door, and then leaned down and kissed her once more before she left. Her smile stayed firmly in place as she walked home. She almost started skipping, but she resisted the impulse. For the first time since her mother's death, she felt really, truly happy.

********

Buffy Anne Summers  
1981-2001  
Devoted Sister  
Beloved Friend  
She Saved the World  
A Lot

  


Xander stood in front of her grave. He was alone - but then again, he was always alone now, even when he was with other people. Her absence was like a hole in his heart. He had a permanent lump in his throat, and his stomach was always twisted into knots. He dreamed of her, and when he dreamed, she was alive, and they were happy. When he woke up and remembered the truth, the knots in his stomach tightened and the lump his throat grew thicker.

He should have known he'd lose her. He had loved her - he still loved her. He had been happier than he ever thought possible, but now she was gone, and he didn't know if he'd ever be happy again.   


Xander knelt down and placed the rose on the soft grass in front of Buffy's grave. He traced the letters on the headstone with a gentle caress of his fingers, lingering, as he always did, on the word 'Beloved'. "I love you, Buffy. I miss you."

He had been happy. He should have known better. 

--------------

The End.


End file.
